We all read about that scam perpetrated against Temple’s email system. Fraudulent emails were sent to users, some of whom responded with their passwords. Spammers then used Temple’s system to send out advertisements for enlargement creams, enlargement pills, and get rich quick schemes. There is a silver lining, though.

I was not one of the users who fell for this scam. This is quite unusual, because I have a habit of being fooled. Two factors have combined to make me susceptible. I get excited whenever I receive emails. Each email is an opportunity to socialize. I cannot resist replying. Furthermore, my email signature used to contain five of my most important passwords and two credit card numbers so I would not forget them. My life coach, Dr. Guillermo Guadalupe, advised me to end this practice.

The worst example of my gullibility was when I mistakenly entered into a business relationship with a barrister from Nigeria. Kenneth J. Eket urgently needed my help. A previously unknown relative of mine, Engr M. Soodhalter, had been doing business in Nigeria when he died of liver explosion. He had been investing heavily in ice cream futures. There were over 42 metric tons of ice creams being held in a warehouse, ready to be sold at market. As the only living relative of Engr M. Soodhalter, only I could authorize any movement of this business account. Time was of the essence as the ice cream would soon melt. To move the ice cream, he needed a certified letter with my signature, a $5000 initial commitment, and all information relating to an active bank account of mine. After an email exchange, I wired him the money and sent him all the information and documents he needed.

I later realized this was all a scam. I lost the money in the account, the money I sent him, and some expensive letterhead. This scam also cost me 76 metric tons of cherry popsicles I was holding for some people in Senegal. The scammers had gotten into my other business dealings. I later inquired about the popsicles, and nobody in Senegal knew where they were.

I realize now, I should have gotten a life coach years ago. Dr. Guillermo Guadalupe controls my finances, and I am scam free. Thank goodness he found me at that free government money seminar.

Kirk Soodhalter is a Ph.D. student in the department of mathematics at Temple. Originally from Houston, TX, he got his undergraduate degree from Tulane University in New Orleans, LA. He likes to get haircuts and make toast. He enjoys manufacturing satire, more of which can be seen at his personal blog.