About one hour ago, around 2:54 p.m. EST, I was walking back to my apartment after work. I was nearing an intersection on Main Campus when a car pulled up at a stop sign not far from me. The driver side window was down. The driver made eye contact. He pointed out the window directly at me. He opened his mouth decisively.

“[Bundle of sticks]!” he yelled with fierce determination.

Obviously, his actual word choice was not what lies inside those above brackets, but something that rhymes with traggot. Additionally, even though I just made that word up, I assure you it has a much friendlier connotation when used in that context.

This situation is made even more peculiar when it’s included that I had never seen that man before in my life.

I keep running the event back in my head, but I still just don’t understand. Did I miss something? Did his gross neckbeard imbue him with the power to decide my sexual preference or was he offering me a cigarette and just lacked any form of vocal control?

Frankly, I’ve decided that neither whom I chose to love or if I am a tobacco product are any of his business. But I have decided that it is my right as an American to try and overanalyze this event and assign it deeper meaning.

What inspires a man to yell such a word at a complete stranger? Is it frustration? Stupidity? Repression? Poor vocabulary? All of the above? I don’t know yet. But I do know the fact that I was a little taken aback but not fully surprised says something is wrong here. Whether it is indicative of something wrong on Main Campus, in Philadelphia or within the human condition in general is something I’ll need more time – like maybe another hour or so – to decide with anything I can even joke about as certainty. To rule out the possibility of that neckbeard growing roots to the brain could take days.

While I ponder these events, I think it only right that I attempt to placate myself by demanding a three part apology. First, to me personally, because seriously dude what the hell? Second, to Grant Hill and Jared Dudley, who apparently wasted their time combatting the use of the word “gay” in those GLSEN ads because there are bigger fish to respect as individuals regardless of their preferences. Third, to himself, preferably in the form of shaving off that neckbeard.

I eagerly await a reply.