Thomas Snyder won $10,000 and a trip to India last week. Proving that your elementary school substitute teacher was doing you a favor by forcing you to do crossword puzzles to pass time, Snyder won the cash and the free ride by completing a Sudoku puzzle super fast.

The Philadelphia Inquirer hosted the first annual Sudoku National Championship on Sunday Oct. 21.

Snyder, 27, from Palo Alto, Calif., won the grand cash prize, in addition to a trip to India to defend his title at the world championship. The competition, which featured three levels of difficulty, was held at the Convention Center and commented on by Will Shortz, whose name has been forever linked to puzzles.

Is this all ridiculous? Absolutely yes. But, Brian Tierney, chief executive officer of Philadelphia Media Holdings, owner of The Inquirer, the Daily News and Philly.com, knows about marketing. He knows hosting the only national competition for an awfully popular game will, at the very least, get people mentioning the Inqy across the country again.

What’s more, the game brought people to town from throughout the country, even British Columbia.

Pretty good for Tierney, who has ushered in a redesigned Philly.com, a regional focus, and tighter coverage, considering when he was first highered he was called an “enemy of the First Amendment.”

*Photo courtesy of the Philadelphia Inquirer, taken by ELIZABETH ROBERTSON, depicts Philadelphian Matt Fabrizio, who won second place at the intermediate level

The gun control debate has raged for years, showing no sign of abating. Philadelphia’s crime spike has only hardened the battle lines. One popular notion is that in the 2^nd Amendment, “A well regulated militia,” refers to citizens keeping guns in their home for the common defense of the state rather than condoning personal concealed weapons.

This is hogwash. If I cannot carry a concealed weapon, what am I to do if King George himself accosts me? Every time I make this assertion, I get the same answer: King George is dead. Wrong! We do not know for a fact that he is dead. He may be undead. That’s right, I am referring to zombies. After our nation’s won its independence in 1737, it was initially governed by the Articles of a Confederation and was nothing more than a loose trade alliance with no zombie contingencies. This was one of the primary reasons the Articles of a Confederation failed as our first national governing document.

When the second constitutional convention was convened, much discussion went into how to properly deal with the zombie threat. The British monarchy has had three royal lines: Tudors, Stuarts, and Hanover/Windsors; three potential sources for royal zombies seeking to rule us with a pro-brain agenda. The Second Amendment was written in response to this threat. In Federalist Paper 252, John Jay writes, “In every story about the undead attacking, the character with a musket in his trousers is the one who survives.” If we let the government make laws against carrying concealed handguns, we will be ripe for invasion by Tudor Zombies, Stuart Zombies, and Hanover/Windsor Zombies.

Whenever I proffer this argument, I always meet heavy resistance from liberals. They assert that our founding fathers did not believe in zombies. That is flatly untrue. Many of our founding fathers had a strong belief in the undead. I would go as far as to assert that this nation was founded on the principle that zombies exist. Many liberals also claim that zombies are not real, negating the need for a War on Zombies. Well, that is just pathetic. That kind of talk emboldens the zombies. Unfortunately, these zombie deniers are winning the war of ideas. People such as Michael Jackson tried to warn us in the 80’s, and the media crucified them. That is just regrettable.

I realized this week that many incoming students at Temple and even upperclassmen are unfamiliar with the political process in Philadelphia. As the general election is drawing perilously close, I decided to take a little time to do a rundown of how our elections work for the benefit of those newly arrived or long ignorant of the glorious Philadelphia party machine. In the first of a series leading up to our November 6th election, I would like to provide an introduction to some of the vagaries of the Philadelphia political process.

I’d like to begin this week by taking a look at exactly how elections work. With election day only a few weeks away, you’re probably thinking, “This is a glorious chance to make my voice heard and exercise the freedoms granted to me by the democratic process our soldiers have died to uphold.” Not so fast, young democratic advocate! You are fortunate enough to live in a city controlled by a “political machine“.

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How tired are you of some industry-niche magazine making a list that rags on Philadelphia?

In 2000, Men’s Fitness ranked Philadelphia as the fattest city in the nation, a distinction not helped considering the American Obesity Association put the cradle of liberty among the ten plumpest towns every year from 2000 to 2005. People took seriously the cause to move away from that, and we have, though we can’t seem to shake that image.

We’ve come along way, though. Magazines have said nice things about us.

• In October 2005, National Geographic labeled Philadelphia the ‘Next Great City.’
• Food and Wine magazine recanted its criticism of Philly’s food culture and, after a revisit with respected Inquirer food critic Craig Laban, labeled this city one of the nation’s best dining stops. (Scientists have long found correlations between good food and big tummies).
• But, then this. Travel and Leisure Magazine, with the help of CNN Headline News (the hardest-hitting journalism cable news has done in some time), ranked 25 American cities by a host of criteria in eight categories.
• But all you heard about was Philly’s rank as the ugliest. Which is unfair for too many reasons for me to post on, but not least of all on the fact that Philly got lots of props on lots of things. Oh, but everyone got a big laugh out of it.
• Travel and Leisure boasted some 60,000 responses, most of whom, I would think, base their tenets on assumptions. Miami – ranked the most attractive – is associated with sun, fun and bikinis. Philly, D.C. and San Antonio – at the bottom – are known more for historical importance. History isn’t necessarily hot, setting aside Ben Franklin as the sex icon that he is/was/will always be.
• But that’s what sucks. The 215 was ranked among the 10 best in all seven Culture categories, a height equaled only be San Fran and NYC. It was in the top 5 of eight categories overall, and it came dead last in looks. Admittedly, the looks count was actually pretty lopsided against us, but New York, a city so often held on high, found itself last three times.

Magazines long ago figured out that Americans love competition enough to read and fight over articles with lists. It’s easy. It brings attention to their product because idiot talking heads will blog on it. Enough people know Philly that we’re easy to pick on.

Lititz, a small town in Lancaster County not far from where I grew up, is going through its own version of Jena’s racial tension. Basically, a group of Warwick High School students sporting confederate flags on their trucks taunted, and yelled racial slurs at, three minority students. Warwick officials have declined to say how the offending students were punished, but word is they were suspended. One of the minority students’ father, pictured, wants them expelled.

While I don’t think you can blame the father for wanting the expulsions, I think that would be the wrong route for Warwick to take. If the end goal is mutual understanding, which it should be, then separation is counter productive. Having the offenders gone probably won’t make the minority students feel much safer. They will only have to face other kids who may have been thinking what the offenders said. Expulsion also wouldn’t give the rebel flag bunch an alternative way to look at their diversifying life, which is exactly what they need.

In Jena, the authorities turned in the opposite direction they needed to, in order to actually deal with the tension. Instead of forcing the two parties to sit down and deal with the misconception and fear, they only confirmed that both parties need to be afraid. The black students were at first stuck with attempted murder for a schoolyard fight, which is certainly reason to be afraid. And by so doing, the authorities confirmed for the white students that the black students were dangerous.

In Warwick, the officials need to take Jena as a lesson. Sit the kids down. Get them to listen. And get them to talk. If Warwick goes the way Jena went, then they will assure only that everyone involved will remain angry and afraid for a long time.

I like fake Chinese food: General Tso’s chicken, in particular. It’s just so salty. I am getting hungry just writing about it. The SAC sells some tasty fake Chinese food that sneaks its way into my diet every now and then. I always take a couple of fortune cookies when I get my SAC Chinese food since I have an uncontrollable urge to have my future explained to me in cryptic sentences typed on small pieces of paper.

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I encourage all the Broad and Cecil readers to take note of Inga Saffron and the Inquirer’s coverage of the battle over Old City’s historic Girard Estate warehouses, which are in imminent danger of demolition at the hands of the very developers that own the property. A block of 1820s-era maritime warehouses were purchased by Brooklyn-based BRP Development in 2005, ostensibly to be renovated and turned into luxury loft space. Two years later, the only “work” done by BRP has been the ghastly disemboweling of the rear walls of two of the warehouses, pictured at right, causing obvious structural damage.
Now, conveniently, the developer has filed claims with city inspections claiming that their property is in “imminent danger of collapse”. A loophole in the zoning code authorizes the demolition of historically designated properties only under the condition that they too dilapidated to be renovated. If BRP’s properties are declared too dangerous to renovate, the developer will be allowed to demolish the only fully intact block of historic port building remaining in Philadelphia.

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King Tut has left he building. Actually, he was never there. I attended a showing of the Tut exhibit to bask in his glory. The promotional literature implied that the tour would culminate with a viewing of the fabulous Tut burial mask. Sadly this was not reality. Most of the items exhibited, while quite interesting, were associated with King Tut’s predecessors. I was quite impressed that these items retained much of their beauty. However, I began to wonder when they would be bringing on the Tut. The last room did have Tut related items, but these were mostly jars for his livers and some fancy necklaces. The exhibit itself had the feel of an old mummy movie compete with faux tomb columns and ambient exploration music.

The most enjoyable aspect of this exhibit was to see the lengths to which Ancient Egyptians fetishized these pharaohs. They were revered as gods and the burial rites were elaborate and exquisite. Before we pause to have a chuckle at the foibles of these silly ancients, I must point out that we have continued with the fetish of the Egyptians. We send these artifacts around the world and lay down crisp Hamiltons down to view them. There are documentary television series hosted by khaki-adorned hosts wondering aloud if King Tut was murdered? Tut has even been x-rayed and CAT scanned to investigate this “mystery” further.

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A few weeks ago, Police Commissioner Sylvester Johnson took a valiant stab at relevancy by calling on black men throughout the city to volunteer for patrol duty. While it’s nice to see some attempt at fresh thinking coming from the top brass at the Philadelphia Police Department, I really liked this plan better the first time, when it came spewing out of T. Milton Street’s word hole.

For those who are just joining us in Philadelphia, former hot-dog vendor Milton Street is current mayor’s John Street’s rascally brother, who ran a hilariously doomed campaign for mayor. Aside from pulling classic stunts such as crooning atop a prop coffin at an anti-violence rally and making various racial slurs on live radio/television, Milton is best known for his total lack of credibility as a city administrator. As his campaign burst into flames, he concocted various absurd plans to hold the public eye a little beyond his allotted 15 minutes, including deputizing 10,000 random Philadelphians to stem the murder rate.

So essentially, Sylvester Johnson has taken this insane plan and retooled it into a merely ineffectual and slightly less dangerous one. Hat’s off to the commissioner for not unleashing 10,000 untrained police deputies on the city, but is this really the only idea the PPD can come up with for allaying the violence in our city? This vain attempt to create a giant, uncoordinated town watch program is wholly empty of feasibility and any promise of success. Most neighborhoods in the city already have neighborhood watch programs that are understaffed, under funded, and by and large completely overwhelmed by the criminal element they must face. Milton’s plan was unquestioningly moronic, but it almost certainly would have had an effect (not necessarily a good one…), while Johnson promises more of the same: nothing.

It is time for the city to jettison this do-nothing commissioner. I have no doubt about Commissioner Johnson’s credentials as a police officer and a heroic servant to our fine city, but the man is not an administrator. He was most certainly appointed by John Street because of his race and uncontroversial reputation for being a “cop’s cop”. While he has done a splendid job of not rocking the boat thus far, his embarrassing response to the most recent crime wave has shown his true ability as the leader of our police.

In crisis times like these politics and race need to take a back seat to efficacy. It is with all sincerity that I hope our future Mayor will have the foresight to look past these two ever present pillars in Philadelphia, and select a true leader.

Click to read Inquirer coverage on Johnson’s initiative

As a transplant resident, I am intrigued by Philadelphia’s automotive tradition with regard to funeral processions. Not long after I arrived in this fair city, I was driving down Eleventh Street. As I passed through a four-way stop, I noticed that the approaching car was speeding up not slowing down, so I quickly stopped and watched as this procession of limousines charged through the intersection. I finally was barely able to make out the word “funeral” on a small flag. I have since crossed paths with these processions on a number of occasions. In fact, the other day, I was on campus when I witnessed a procession driving down Montgomery Street. This is a high pedestrian traffic area, but this did not stop the procession from barreling down Montgomery with reckless abandon. When the lead car nearly hit four students, the driver honked and one of the pedestrians yelled at him. Then the

procession continued.

As someone who has lived in New Orleans, I am no stranger to odd funeral traditions. I am told that the hard charging funeral procession is a common occurrence in the city. Is this tradition legal? I certainly have no problem paying deference to a funeral procession. I believe it is proper to do so. However, I do not wish to have my life endangered by one, since I do not wish there to be a premature procession in my honor. I believe this is the heart of the issue. When I first moved to Philadelphia, I marveled at the sheer number of funeral homes, particularly in South Philadelphia. I figure they must form a powerful political lobby in the scope of city government. I am, in fact, suggesting that this lobby group (Big Funeral) holds a great deal of sway when it comes to the city’s ability to regulate the speed of a funeral procession. Why would they do this? Well, dangerous processions lead to more accidents and more funerals. The financial motive is clear. We must stop before it is too late.