Greetings you two-wheeled lust machine.

Last week I showed you where to get a bike. Hope you got one, named it, fell in love with it and continue to keep it next to your bed instead of locking it to that stop sign at 18th and Susquehanna. Well, that’s what I do, anyway.

But before you get on that little guy, pay close attention: you NEED to look good before you ride. That way, if you fall off your bike all the time like I do, at least people will notice your sweet gear more than your blood-gushing knees. Don’t worry, I’ll have you looking more legit than Lance Armstrong in no time–umm, sans seven Tour de France titles. Well, whatever. Good for him.

Lookin’ good is just after this jump.

Step One: Jeans

You need a nice tight pair of skinny jeans. Reason being–so that when you stand on your bike, all of N. Broad St. can see just how tight your ass really is. (Males tend to buy one size smaller, umm, size 2 in women’s, just for that reason.) Girls, boot-cut or God-forbid, bell-bottoms are just not going to cut it. Do you like to have people laughing at you? Didn’t think so.

BDG jeans from Urban Outfitters (1627 Walnut St.) will certainly do the trick, ladies. You roll up to Johnny Brenda’s on your shiny new green Schwinn complete with basket and bell with these jeans on, all the little biker boys will get caught in the trolley tracks on Girard just looking at you.

Step Two: Hoodie

Dudes and dudettes, if you don’t have a solid colored hoodie the world is not right. This is a necessity. They’re accessible, easy to get on and off and great for wiping your nose while riding (ewww, I know). They’ve got a hood too, great for when you know there’s a 90% chance of rain and you still ride to campus anyway.

I like hoodies from American Apparel (1611 Walnut St.) They can be a bit pricey–$38 and up. If you don’t have so much cash money in the bank hit up H&M (1530 Chestnut St.) for that $19.90 jawn.

Step Three: Shoes

I am a total fan of the moccasin and even more of a supporter of the barefoot revolution. But unless you want trash stuck to your toes and hypodermic needles lodged in your feet, I suggest you get a pair of sneaks. Give the footsies some lovin’ and get them what they really want–a good ‘ol pair of Chucks. I rock the white ones with red and blue stripes, but you get whatever tickles your fancy. Just not pink. Or purple. Or baby blue. Bikes are not for little girls. Stick with a solid black or gray and you’ll be good to go.

Step Four: Bag it

The bag has to be the most exciting part of your outfit. I have to admit, I see this guy at the caf. all the time and he has an embroidered panda bear on his messenger bag. So cute! I wonder if he’ll go to the zoo sometime with me?!

For an awesome bag, check out ReLoad. There are two stores where they make the bags. One in Seattle and the other at 608 N. 2nd St. Thanks for lovin’ the Illadelph.

The base price for a decent sized bag (gotta fit all those exciting history textbooks in there) is $112.

Get some funky designs on it and call it a day.

Step Five: You better lock it up. No, U-Lock it up!

Locks are pretty essential, especially when you reside in the 1-9-1-2-2. I’ve had one stolen and it was because I used a $5 cable lock. NO. Big NO. Take that $5 and treat yourself with a grande coffee instead of the usual tall size, unless, of course, you feel self-conscious about ordering something with the word ‘grande’ in it. I usually do, but last week, faced with a long night at club TECH, I ordered the trifecta of Starbucks coffees and went with the venti size. OMG, don’t do it. Now, I’m fat and broke.

The point is, you spent good money on that bike of yours, so treat your special friend to a lock that will hold him in place.

Might I suggest the Kryptonite lock.

These are great locks (and good weapons, too). Locks don’t do much, however if you, say, only lock the wheel to the railing. Duh, a little trickster, veteran thief, heck, maybe even your grandma can get the frame, which is the most important part. So lock wisely, will ya? None of this ‘I’m only gonna be in there for a minute’ business. Just looking out for you because I care.

K-nite U-Locks run about $30 and up. You can get them at most bike shops around the city. Philadelphia Bicycles at Broad and Parrish has ’em.

Now you have no excuse not to look fabulous on that bike of yours.

Keep it real, yo.