With Valentine’s Day mere hours away, I can’t help but be filled with this burning, uncontrollable passion. You know; fury.

Valentine’s Day is easily the most unrealistic holiday. We plaster everything with hearts, yet we don’t care enough about the person to at least make sure they’re anatomically correct. If you love a person, you’ll include ventricles. Bonus points if they’re functional.

We bath everything in red and pink, and are expected to just ignore what a mixed message that sends. Wikipedia itself, the number one source of information for anyone who’s too busy to do any real research, describes the color as “danger, sacrifice, passion, fire, beauty, blood, anger, socialism and communism.”

So the next time you hand a bouquet of red roses to your significant other, think about how what you’re really giving is a flag to all around that he or she is a dangerous person looking to commit an act of passionate sacrifice into fire to obtain some beautiful blood to appease their angry socialist and communist gods. And do you know what type of flag that will be? A red one.

As for pink, the mighty Wikipedia says that “most variations of pink lie somewhere between red, white and magenta colors.” It’s indecisive, and that’s not what love is supposed to be.

Love also isn’t supposed to be about mass-produced consumerist culture either. It’s supposed to be about sincerity and showing who you truly are. No matter how many Golden Girls re-run marathons they run, Hallmark will never be able to tap into that sassy, yet sagely voice that is uniquely yours.

But if you go on a spiel about how you morally object to this accursed holiday, all you’ll get are people staring at you and continuing to demand some Tums crafted into a heart and carved with some vaguely romantic message. If Valentine’s Day has become a social obligation, what options do you really have?

JULIANA COPPA TTN

I’ve always opted to make my own cards. It gives me full customization abilities and makes me feel like still having a protractor in my life past the fourth grade is forgivable. Yes, a protractor. I take angles seriously.

For those of you who don’t have a supply of glitter large enough to survive the wackiest Mardi Gras-related apocalypse imaginable, I’d recommend faking it until you are making it. Any implications hidden in that last sentence were solely the product of a compulsive need to rhyme.

For your convenience, here is a selection of very unique Valentine’s Day cards that people will think you took the time to craft. Use them at your leisure.

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When it comes to gifts, I recommend using the same tactic. Poems, song lyrics and articles of some kind all make great individual gifts. It doesn’t need to stop there, either. Forgot Godiva, make your own chocolate. Master botany. What could possibly go wrong there?

Together, we can defeat the excessive capitalist influence and turn the symbolism of Valentine’s Day into something that really represents what the holiday should be about. We can make it what it always should have been. Well, you guys can. I’ve procrastinated too long and if I don’t get a card and some chocolate soon, my girlfriend is going to kill me.

Zack Scott can be reached at zack.scott@temple.edu or on Twitter @ZackScott11.