In the first in what is (hopefully) a series of interviews with local comedians, I had a chat with Pat Barker, a 24-year-old comic from New Jersey currently making a name for himself in the business of making people laugh. Barker was a finalist in Helium Comedy Club’s 2007 “Philly’s Phunniest” Competition, and you can also find him there this weekend opening for Eddie Gossling. You can check out some clips of Pat in action, and also ask him for his hand in friendship on his myspace.

Aaron Hertzog: Pat Barker, how would you describe your style of
comedy, in terms of comparing it to a member of the animal kingdom?

Pat Barker: What a cliche question to start an interview with. I would
say that I’m like the Eagles. I start off very strong but inevitably
disappoint everyone watching. Either that or those turtles that hate
DSL – we are both hilarious. And slow.

AH: So, when you say Eagles, you’re talking about the
football team, and not the symbol of this great country that provides
you with freedom and liberty.

PB: I feel like I left it open to interpretation. Your readers
should be smart enough to figure it out. Maybe I meant the band, they
are inevitably disappointing once you get past “Hotel California”.

AH: Yet, they have the best selling album of all time. Do
you think it’s fair they count Greatest Hits albums toward that.
Shouldn’t Thriller really be the king?

PB: Do they really have the best selling album of all time?
The Eagles? Are you sure? That seems wrong. I’d have figured it to be
The Beatles, or, like, Clay Aiken. People love that little nerd.

AH: Nope. It’s The Eagles Their Greatest Hits 1971-1975.
(Here’s the list)

PB: No kidding. Well then, I’m with you. Greatest hits albums
shouldn’t count. Maybe if you didn’t put so many shitty songs on your
other albums, you wouldn’t need a greatest hits album. Just a thought.

AH: Ok enough about The Eagles, more about Pat Barker. How
does Pat Barker spend his time when he’s not disapointing folks with
his hilariously slow internet hating comedy?

PB: Food is great. I’ve been really into Italian recently,
specifically the Totinos Pizza Rolls. Sleep is another thing that I am
good at. I don’t like to set my sights too high, you know? You’re just
asking for disappointment. So basically I sleep and eat and
occasionally read a magazine. I’m something of an intellectual, but I
don’t like to rub it in people’s faces.

AH: You don’t have to rub anything in any faces. Heres an
intellect tester: what is your favorite childhood cartoon that only
existed for the purpose of selling kids toys?

PB: Oh man, where to start? The Ninja Turtles are at the top
of my list, although I really bonered out for Ghostbusters. Can you
say bonered out in this interview? It’s a metaphorical boner, if that
makes a difference. Anyway, I was big on G.I. Joes, too. I had some
big Cobra Commando playset. It looked like the Houston Astrodome if it
were built in some horrific ghetto in the year 3000. It was sweet.

AH: Almost like the setting for the classic 2Pac and Dr.
Dre music video for California Love. But I’m glad you mentioned the
Ghostbusters…because my next question was: What is your favorite
Bill Murray role of all time?

PB: Bill Murray will never top the role of Peter Venkman in
the original Ghostbusters. It will never happen. Ever. I don’t care
how many Academy Awards he wins with overrated garbage like Lost in
Translation. I don’t watch Bill Murray and hope for subtle nuances and
intricacies like how he reacts in a non-verbal fashion when another
character is talking. I watch Bill Murray to hear him say, “NO ONE
STEPS ON A CHURCH IN MY TOWN”. End of story.

AH: Since this is an interview, I’m going to ask you some
questions about interviews. What is your favorite movie about an
interview?

PB: Interview with a Vampire? I’ve never seen it but it seems
like an appropriate answer to that question.

AH: I would have said The Usual Suspects.

PB: Oh, you know what? You are totally right. Change my
answer. That movie is a classic. Chazz Palminteri really does well in
the role of Stereotypical Dopey Cop Who Doesn’t Even Know That His
Coffee Mug Is Made Out Of Kobayashi Porcelain Because He Is A Dumbass.

AH: Cool. What is your favorite interview about a movie?

PB: This one.

AH: What movie is this interview about?

PB: The Usual Suspects. Are you even paying attention?

AH: Ah yes, Ok. What is your favorite thing anyone has ever
said in an interview or press conference?

PB: As a sports fan, the answers to this question are
limitless. Athletes are very fond of saying stupid things. Rickey
Henderson was the king, though. I remember when they asked him about
Ken Caminiti’s assertion that 50% of all Major Leaguers use steroids.
He responded, “well, Rickey Henderson don’t do steroids, so that’s 49%
right there.” It was mind-bogglingly stupid on so many different
levels that it almost became smart. It’s like he threw stupid in a
blender and it somehow came out as genius.

AH: What is your favorite season?

PB: I’m a spring guy. Colored leaves don’t do anything for me,
nor do extreme weather conditions

AH: When I said season, I meant, like, spice. For food.

PB: So, what is my favorite spice?

AH: Spice, season, whatever term you prefer.

PB: I’d prefer spice, since it actually, you know, makes
sense. But that’s just me. I’m not huge on spices, but I like the
powdered sugar that they put on Munchkins at Dunkin Donuts.

AH: Yum. Ok last question: How would you rate this
interview experience?

PB: This interview’s been fun…and you smell nice
author’s note: interview conducted over the internet