In last week’s paper, one of our esteemed writers, Chris Stover, wrote about Philadelphia’s top ranking in the field of ugliness. A survey conducted by Travel and Leisure Magazine confirmed this new status. The media has now added ugliness to the city’s list of accolades, alongside obesity and violence. This has upset many people, who wonder how such a thing could happen. Already, there are calls for Mayor Street to resign over this. It was announced two days ago that he would leave office sometime in January. A man named Michael Nutter has been selected to replace him. Sadly, Philadelphia’s ugliness is actually not Mayor Street’s fault. It is mine.

I moved to this city a little over a year ago. Along with my Honda Civic, packed with all of my worldly possessions, I also brought some very unattractive features. I will spare the reader a detailed list, but just to give an idea, I will point out that I have a superfluous third nipple prominently displayed on my forehead, teeth that are varying shades of brown and green, and backwards ears. I am pretty sure that my unattractiveness is so intense that it brought the city’s beauty quotient down to depths not thought possible. This makes sense; notice that the city only won this dubious distinction after I moved here. That is a direct correlation, or what we in the statistics world call a sure thing. So, do not blame Mayor Street for our attractiveness problems; blame me. Do not worry, though. I will try to finish up my graduate school education and be out of your hair as soon as possible.