The gun control debate has raged for years, showing no sign of abating. Philadelphia’s crime spike has only hardened the battle lines. One popular notion is that in the 2nd Amendment, “A well regulated militia,” refers to citizens keeping guns in their home for the common defense of the state rather than condoning personal concealed weapons.
This is hogwash. If I cannot carry a concealed weapon, what am I to do if King George himself accosts me? Every time I make this assertion, I get the same answer: King George is dead. Wrong! We do not know for a fact that he is dead. He may be undead. That’s right, I am referring to zombies. After our nation’s won its independence in 1737, it was initially governed by the Articles of a Confederation and was nothing more than a loose trade alliance with no zombie contingencies. This was one of the primary reasons the Articles of a Confederation failed as our first national governing document.
When the second constitutional convention was convened, much discussion went into how to properly deal with the zombie threat. The British monarchy has had three royal lines: Tudors, Stuarts, and Hanover/Windsors; three potential sources for royal zombies seeking to rule us with a pro-brain agenda. The Second Amendment was written in response to this threat. In Federalist Paper 252, John Jay writes, “In every story about the undead attacking, the character with a musket in his trousers is the one who survives.” If we let the government make laws against carrying concealed handguns, we will be ripe for invasion by Tudor Zombies, Stuart Zombies, and Hanover/Windsor Zombies.
Whenever I proffer this argument, I always meet heavy resistance from liberals. They assert that our founding fathers did not believe in zombies. That is flatly untrue. Many of our founding fathers had a strong belief in the undead. I would go as far as to assert that this nation was founded on the principle that zombies exist. Many liberals also claim that zombies are not real, negating the need for a War on Zombies. Well, that is just pathetic. That kind of talk emboldens the zombies. Unfortunately, these zombie deniers are winning the war of ideas. People such as Michael Jackson tried to warn us in the 80’s, and the media crucified them. That is just regrettable.
